It’s no secret that I do not cherish Christmas. I mean I understand the meaning and am pretty grateful for what Christ has done, but in the reality of holiday spirits and togetherness and a time of joyful sharing, it isn’t really my thing. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but Christmas to me has always been a time of “let’s get it over with already”.
However, I do plan in the future to have the most extravagant Christmas holiday setups ever made.
Ever.
When I have my own family and kids, I’m going to make Christmas a huge deal. A big deal. I’m going to have activities and festivities, and even sing’ivities. I’m going to make my kids enjoy Christmas and remember each and every December 25th’s for the rest of their lives. I’m talking about full stockings, presents under trees, and large family dinners where we talk and share. I know for an absolute fact that I’m going to be a good parent. I don’t know why I know this, but I do. It’s in my head. I’m going to be an awesome dad to my kids, and Christmas is going to be one hell of a busy but fun time. I’m going to cherish Christmas then. Just not now though, it’s a little on the impossible side for me.
In other business, there is something a little darker I’d like to talk to myself about. (Yes, this blog is lonely and empty, and I end up talking to myself). I’m talking about the dark monster that lurks in everybody’s closets. We try to ignore it. We try to believe that it doesn’t exist. But it’s there. It’s what makes us enjoy destruction, and what I like to call evil. I don’t believe that any ‘human’ can be purely good. That’s what makes us human. We’re prone to make bad decisions and hurt others. Sometimes it’s intentional, and most of the time we can’t control it. Well this little dark monster of mine has grown. It has fed, and it has enlarged. Sometimes it feels like it wants more control over my life. I find it hard to fight back. It’s crippling. It’s like my description for lonliness; drowning in cold water. Feeling the oxygen be slowly sucked out of your body, and the feeling of helplessness. If anyone has seen my evil side, they know it’s not pretty. When I’m good, I’m a little mischevious and schemey (as a friend put it). When this dark side takes control over me, I’m just a bastard. There are many instances where I have significantly altered a person’s life for the worst, permanently without a second thought. At the time I had no remorse or regret.
Talking about it now, so far from the events of the past make it seem like a fantasy. Something that doesn’t exist. But we all do it don’t we. We push it back into our closets and try our hardest to forget that it even exists. Well my closet is getting full. Something is breaking at the seams. I want to say I need help, but I’m a self proclaimed independent survivalist, so I’ll brave this alone. I need to take control.
So why am I bringing this subject up? Last week I had the flu, and it wasn’t that bad. Not like the legendary flu’s I’ve had before where I started to hallucinate and become paranoid. This time around something weird happened. Firstly my hearing shot up tenfold and I could hear a strand of hair drop onto a desk. Maybe I was imagining it, but I most certainly did not imagine myself hearing my computer be as loud as a helicopter.
Besides superhearing, (which some sick people get from time to time) I started to feel paranoid again. For those of you who have never really experienced paranoia, it’s debilatating.
Last time I had it, I imagined my mom was somehow watching me. She came to check up on me when I was sick and when she had left, I had the sickening sensation of something being terribly wrong. I was drenched with sweat so I had decided to change. After I changed into dry clothes, the paranoia got worse. It felt like I had done something horrendous. Like hit 6 babies with a car. I couldn’t even move from my bed. I couldn’t even think properly. I Just felt like I had commited the worst crime in the world, and there was nothing I could do.
It’s still probably hard to understand what paranoia feels like, but it is unpleasant to say the least. Anyways, back on topic. So this time I wasn’t too sick and the paranoia was very light. I just became suspicious of people and that was that. However, my mental guard was down a bit. I let the monster out of the closet and started doing very very bad things. I don’t want to type them up because… I just don’t. Anyways, after that moment it feels like the door to my closet has become looser. Like someone greased the hinges so it can open up quicker and quieter.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve written here. It’s 6:08am right now and I probably should get to bed. I miss you.