sWiRvE

Oh boy, it’s 4:23 am right now and I’m starting to feel that I have lvl9 insomnia again. I’m dead tired yet I can’t manage to sleep. Too many thoughts, too many memories. Ever feel destined to be great? I’ve felt that my whole life. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s to keep my mind happy, or perhaps  it is true. I feel like someday I will do something great, something big. An impact. Yes that’s it. But the pace right now… I’m befuddled by the obstacles before me. Sofar right now it’s known that it is 80% genetics, and 20% environment. The most heritable trait is IQ. What does this mean for me? That I have an 80% chance to lead a life of mediocrity. That I will be average or below average at everything. What happened to my drive? Psychology? HA what a joke. What a joke everything is. Relationships? Self destructive. Family? Selfish. Friends? Non-existant. Seriously, can I be what destiny wants me to be? Probably not. I’ll end up in an average family with average things. Perhaps I can tap my potential, perhaps I can reach the pinnacle of my existence. Probably probably probably. Need action… not reaction. Need to move, need to think. Need to clear and win. Win. Winning is everything right?

Doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, or what you’ve done. All that matters is if you have won. Sounds like something House probably said. Sounds about right. How true it is. If you’re good at something people will admire you. Doesn’t matter who you are. Being right, being good at it is all that matters. I’m not good at anything relevant or useful. Games? worthless. Wordplay? worthless. Getting by? Average. I need to find my reason to exist. The one thing that will change it all. Wishful thinking me thinks. (how redundant.) Maybe I need to make small steps up. Sounds logical right? In real world applications, it’s the path to failure. Failure. I’m scared of that world. I do not want to be one. Do not want to be like my family. Do not want my genetics. I want more. I need more. I will be something great. I hope.

Edit 5:08 am. I tried. After chatting with someone who I hope exists, I tried to sleep again. I slipped into bed. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. Fear. What lurks beneath my dreams is pure terror. Darkness. It transforms. It shapes. It molds. It changes your life, it twists and warps. It makes you do things unfathomable to good values. I’ve always seen this side of me. The path. The alternate path. Or perhaps it is the main path. The happiness, the joy side of me, maybe that has been the alternate path. And this dark one with thick tress and scarred rocks that block the sun, is the main path. The path I’m supposed to go through. I don’t want to, but I see such potential in this dark path. Which one shall I wander down? Who will I become.

Flash. Light. Friend told me as I talked on msn, don’t label. Don’t view things in the worldly eyes. Need to be simple. Childlike. Need to be what I am. Self realization. Stop thinking. Stop letting the thoughts control you and shape you. Anyone who reads this will probably be anxious. A little disturbed. Perhaps this is in the bottom of everyone’s soul. Too afraid to admit. To afraid to bring out. Maybe I’m building character right now. Maybe..

Its impossible to know everything, and yet I know I know. I know the truth and I know who I am. I know all my problems and I know all the answers. Isn’t that odd? Yet I can’t acess it. My mind won’t let me. I hold the great truth of everything , and bearing it is impossible. I know myself. I do. I DO. I KNOW MYSELF. I must reach it. This goal. That is myself. My thoughts flow so fast. I can’t imagine capturing them all in words. I can’t. I don’t edit, and I dont look back. Grabing handfuls of my thoughts as the whiz by. Oh Lord, save my soul. I need you.

Is what most people say when I attempt to get ahead of myself in talking. I can talk at a normal conversational level most of the time, and everyone has seen this. That is, talking at a normal pace while making sane small jumps from one thought to another. For example, if someone said “The apple was blue.”, the listener makes a few conclusions. That is, apples are not normally blue and will usually ask why the apple was blue. Sadly for me, this isn’t the case when I’m excited or tired. I jump too far ahead OR too far off topic and ask something completely unrelated and will end up clarifying why the hell I went in that direction. For visual help, I’ve quickly drawn up a picture.

Logic Train Comparison

At first you may think, okay that looks just like the logic train of someone who has ADD. Maybe I do, but I am able to concentrate quite well on a few certain tasks so it seems unlikely. Imagine the first train moving at normal speeds, that is, the rate of how many thoughts connect together to make the conclusion. When I think, each train moves at a different speed. The conclusion in the middle moves at a normal pace, but the alternate conclusions around it move at different speeds. I’ll come to some bogus conclusion (that may or may not be true), and THEN come to the original normal logical conclusion. So I’ll say something stupid and then realize the original thought was not far behind. But then it isn’t just one additional thought, but several more that are going through my head.

Thinking outside the box is a little easier for me, but staying on topic and trying to do something correctly is not. So if I ever do speak to you, either on msn or in real life, and if I say something weird and not related to anything at all, just remember that it takes time for me to obtain the final conclusion. Sometimes I get the final conclusion faster than you, if the ‘right’ conclusion is part of my alternate conclusion train. If so, then I’ll usually wait for you to get to that point. This brings me to a sad realization that I must now pace myself to think slower and clearer. Sigh, I’ve become fond of the mess that is my head too.