I’m going to resort to the lowest common denominator for blogging and post lyrics of a song.
I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And you know me it’s all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
Yes, I believe it’s time to do a little leaf turning of my own. I’ve been cynical, evil, and anti-social these past few months, and I think it’s time to revert back to my Happy-Go-Lucky persona. As I was digging myself into a deeper hole with my superb manipulation tactics, I found that although I accomplished what I needed to do, in the end nothing remained. At first I did not mind, as breaking bonds were easy for me, but as time passed I battled with an immense feeling of lonliness. Oh sure, I had a billion aquaintances, but they weren’t enough to satisfy my need for real social bonding. At first when I decided to isolate my real self socially, I had experienced only the drowning pain (it feels like you’re out of air and nothing can stop it) of lonliness perhaps once a week. Then it would be one every two weeks, and then rarely in three. I felt I was making progress killing my need for someone by just simply being alone and powering through. But for what absurd reason would anyone do this? Right now I can’t even think of a logical reason of why I would do this (my psychology sense is tingling), but I did it anyways. So right now I’m at the point where “I know I shouldn’t done it, but I did and now I am standing in a deep-ass hole”.
It’s been difficult to reduce the manipulations and cynicism of my daily activities, but slowly they are coming to an end. With my retarded plan to isolate myself (to improve my studies was an excuse), I rejected a more than fine girl. Sure she had her faults as does everyone, but I was too critical. Now in retrospect I should have clung on to her like stink on a Korean fob. What a chance I missed.
This is pretty late but there was something I wanted to comment on last monday.
I wake up very early on mondays so that I won’t be late for my morning classes, and for the first time I witnessed something breathtaking. I walked out into the dark around 7am to see the most beautiful sunrise. The sky was glowing red and orange, reaching out towards the buildings around me. I guess even in Scarborough, beautiful things exist.
The unconscious is terribly threatening. It suggests we are moved by forces we cannot see or control, and this is a severe wound to our narcissim (Adler, 2006, p. 44).
Denial is the simplest defense mechanism: one simply refuses to acknolwedge the source of anxiety, or even fails to perceive it in the first place. This tactic is common and effective in the short run, but if used for very long can lead to a serious lack of contact with reality (Suls & Fletcher, 1985).
Repression keeps out of the consciousness and out of action a problematical impulse of the id, an upleasant thought, feeling or memory, or a potential stressor in the external world.
Learning about personality psychology, especially the psychoanalytic approach, can produce irresistible urges to analyze the behaviour and thoughts of those around us. People are typically not grateful to be analyzed. Sharing your insights into why your friends “really” did something can start real trouble. This is true even if your insights are accurate – Freud thought this was true especially when your insights are accurate.
When fall comes around, for most of the television watchers it means new episodes of beloved shows. As shown above, I think I’ll be following these 3 closely.
The most anticipated show for me this time around was Heroes. It had a great season last year with a few questions answered and a small cliff hanger for Hiro Nakamura. Then after watching the first and second episode, it seemed the most dissapointing. It had a few interesting story arcs and action scenes, but the pace seemed a little too slow for my taste. It didn’t differ much from the formula of the previous season, and the introduction of new characters were dreadfully painful. I honestly don’t care if the Mexicans being chased are gay twins. (The wanted sign said homocidio, which I thought back at the time meant they were homosexuals, and therefore wanted.)
The Office I cannot blame for being exactly the same because this new season was shot right after last years’. So for the actors and writers themselves, there wasn’t a feeling of ‘new season start’ but just a continuation of the original storyline. On the bright side, the episodes are one hour long now, so more Michael Scott = yay.
As for House MD, I was enthralled at the fast pace and the sharp cynical humor that is House. I was afraid with the depature of the beloved team that the show would pitfall from there. Compared to last season, the first episode was a breath of fresh air, and was intensely “freaking hilarious”. For any guitar lovers out there, I’m sure you could have sympathized with House.
On other news, I found out who Felicia was. Apparently she used to drive me around in her yellow cab for free. The bad part is, she is completely fictional and part of an old series of dreams I used to have. Now I know why I kept thinking of that name and not coming up with a picture. I even scare myself sometimes.
As time goes by it seems I’m getting less and more sleep everyday. I’ve began to see people that shouldn’t exist, and have recollections of events that never occured. My dreams are becoming more lengthy, and more detailed. It even has it’s own distinct smell of old smoke and rain. I think I’m slowly going insane, as the frequency of these ‘i’ve never been but why do i know’ instances are starting to increase. Sometimes I’ll sleep 10-12 hours without waking up, and sometimes I’ll sleep only 30 mins – 1 hour. My vision is starting to deteriorate even more, and I seem to be needing my glasses more often. I can’t think straight in the day, but have clarity of thought in wee hours of the night and early morning. Apparently I’ve been talking about things I have no knowledge about, and have been missing events I haven’t signed up for. The realms of reality and fiction are starting to cross and intertwine in a heap of nostalgic rubbish. I wish every second that I’ll be normal again. Then again, this translucence of life has been going on for so long that maybe it has become my regular and normal life.
Seriously, who is Felicia? I don’t know anyone by the name, and yet I do.