sigh…
york university starts their school year on the 3rd of sept. everyone else starts the week afterwards, so i’m wallowing in my own self pity. four long months have gone by and now it’s time to get the brain back into gear. after being away from school and intelligence i feel like i’ve lost my academic senses. it’ll be a brutal first month getting back into it. besides school looming over me there is something much more interesting i’d like to discuss. with myself ofcourse since this place is barren. kind of like your mom. which is my mom because i’m talking to myself. i need friends… lol.
fear of commitment. i’ve always heard of it, and i’ve never really thought it to be real. i thought it was something they made guys on t.v have to make them wishywashy over relationships to induce drama and hilarity. i honestly thought it wasn’t anything serious. i think i’m beginning to realize i might have a fear of commitment. it doesn’t just stop at relationships, but almost every facet of my life. oh sure you can say (by you i mean me) that it’s nothing and i’m just obsessing over nothing, but i do believe it to be true. not just because it makes for interesting conversation either (again, with myself). it’s funny to think that i’ve been kidding myself by saying “i don’t really think it’s for me (people,places,jobs,situations), and distancing myself and never giving 100%. I don’t think i’ve ever given 100% recently in anything in life. in my studies/career, relationships in people, and other things. i’ve just been telling myself that it’s not something i should be in, therefore i should be doing it half-assedly. even if it is something i’m not too interested or matched in, it should NOT give me the reason to be lazy about it.
most students in university know that what they’re studying is subject to change. that they aren’t sure that what they’re doing is the right path for them. but what smart people do is keep going regardless of this. they push forward at full speed knowing that everything could change. and if they are in the right place and things do not change, they’ve given it their all and have exceeded their own expectations. this is what i plan to do this year. psychology might not be right for me, but hell if i’m going to not try and be a dropout. my marks have been okay, but getting good grades isn’t all what university is about. i’ll have to take the extra step into joining clubs related to my field, and even getting internship positions. even if all they do is make me get coffee, i must do the shit jobs to really enjoy what might come in the future.
as for relationships.. i don’t know what i’m going to do here. as i reflect on myself, i see that i’ve pushed a large majority of friends (varying in closeness) away further. my best friends are now just friends, and my friends are now just aquaintances. and my aquaintances are now.. well nothing. however in the midst of all this chaos, i’ve managed to salvage and gain a few new friends. some of them are close to me now which is interesting. i hope i dont’ repeat the cycle of slowly pushing them out, but i can’t promise anything. i don’t have too much of an active plan about this because i don’t know what to do in the area of relationships. i tell myself that i need space, but end up feeling lonely. i’ve gotten used to getting rid of that feeling. it almost doesn’t exist anymore. i think pure solitude is a step closer to me now. is there anything wrong with that? society tells me yes. but my mind tells me no. is it healthy? the pang of lonliness is evidence towards it being wrong, right? or is it nothing more than an emotion created by society. sigh. at this rate i’ll have no friends and be all alone by the year 2010. maybe i should just try harder.
all this aside, it’s imporant to look at the root cause. looking at my childhood and youth i’ve seen why i’ve been afraid of commiting myself. to people places and things. a majority of things that were important to me have been forcefully taken away. many friends, a relationship, a career path, and a dream. it is so difficult right now to think of anything i’ve worked hard at these past few years. they either don’t exist, or just have been destroyed.
oh sure it’s easy to point the finger and say “you should have persevered.” but you cannot perservere when there is nothing to perservere for. if i had a second chance i would probably have taken it. but like in life, there aren’t usually second chances. there aren’t machines that can take you back to the past. it almost feels like i haven’t accomplished anything significant or evolved at all since those years.
the solution. commit to something that is infalliable. this is impossible. people places and things aren’t perfect. the real solution perhaps is commiting to God. from what i’ve heard, you cannot possibly lose or be abandoned. He isn’t going anywhere and His love ‘endures’. am i ready to do this? no. i am not, but i will look more into it when the time comes.it’s
been good chatting with you (likewise justin!)
