sWiRvE

soon

So, I went over the more recent posts, reminding myself what previous weeks were like. They seem to have terrible grammar/spelling and I regret not editing them. Some of the trains of thought don’t make sense and just ends up being a confusing jumble that even I can’t understand.

Anyways, back on topic. It isn’t me who’s having a mid life crisis (I’m not nearly old enough), but I believe to be my parents. Or more specifically my mom. This past week has been a realization of thoughts and feelings have been culminating in myself and my parents. My brother brought up a really good point today when he said that my mom was never happy with us. I’ve thought about this even before today, and it was nice to hear from my brother. It means that I wasn’t crazy. Ever since university started, it didn’t matter what I did. Nothing seemed to please my mom. Not that I really went out of my way to please her (I don’t have mommy issues I think), it’s just that if I ever happened to do what she asked, there would be something else I wouldn’t be living up to. That makes me feel shitty. Waking up every morning to her calling me names is shitty. I don’t want to get into this crap again so I’ll just leave it here and side-step it.

The psychologist in me is screaming out for a diagnosis, and I’ve come up with a few theories. The first one is the stigma of sleeping late. My mom hates when I sleep late, and when I wake up late. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, if it happen I’m a lazy good for nothing son who needs to get a job and go to school more. If I go to school, I’m not going out as much, and not studying enough. If I study more and go to school, I need to get a job. If I get a job, study and go out more, I need to read more “good” books. If I do all of this, I need to playing things on the computer. IF I do all of this, I need a girlfriend. IF I do all of this, I need to move out. IF I do all of this I need to find a successful job. IF I do all of this, I need to get married. IF I do all of this, I need to take care of my parents. IF I do all of this, I need to maintain a good job, raise kids and include my parents in my life. IF only I do ALL of these things, am I a worthy son.

Never mind all the times my mom tells me it doesn’t matter what I do. Because it really does matter. It matters to her deeply. Now, this isn’t to say I don’t care about what matters to her. In fact I do care. But just not as much as she wants. I can understand some of the concerns she has as well about me. I’m not perfect, and I lead a pretty stagnant solo life. It’s just that there’s this tension between “I’m over 20 now”, and “my house my rules” type of thing. While I did mention this was culminating, it isn’t meant to say that

———–BREAK———-

So, I had a little chat with my brother who shed some light on things.  Fuck, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I think this was destined to happen to me. Totally fucked. I’ve been playing this wrong for 3 years and now I’m fucked. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear off the face of the earth and just go somewhere else. Just die. Life is one big giant clusterfuck of miscommunication and pain. Through all this time, I always thought I made it as a 2nd generation Korean. People always told me about how Korean parents tended to mentally scar their children. I thought I made it through a stronger person. Total BS. I made it through, but I’m not any stronger, or better. I’m just as fucked up as everyone else.

Sigh. Life seems to be the greatest to me when I’m alone. I actually haven’t had a loneliness attack in a really really long time. Maybe they’re gone for good.

Fuck if I know. Fuck this life.

A quick update on how things are going for me in areas that matter at the moment.

Academics
- did better than I had expected for the fall term. Hoping to snag more A’s in the winter term.

Family Life
- nothing new here, although I do kind of wish we had more family dinner outings. I don’t remember going to many of them, but they were interesting.

Religious Circumstances
- visiting YK did some good to me, but it reminded me again how far I am away from the community there. I suppose it’s a slipper slope, where if I attend less I just get further away. Complaining about it now does nothing because I’ve been on that slope for a good two years now.

Future Plans
- Albania or a trip of that nature is still high on my list for personal growth. Graduate school is still over the horizon, but it’s still pretty distant. I don’t see myself extending the grueling months of pain that is school for psychology. I might just end off graduating with good grades to keep my options open and join the workforce. Experience is something that I lack right now.

Relationship Status
- nonexistent, I’m terrible with relationships and I don’t see myself entering one soon. Unless of course it’s someone that fits my A+ category of females. Or that girl in my new class…. oh the possibilities

Writing Status
- I still need to do more research on my grandfather’s life, and it’s pretty tough to ask my own father because he’s taking this so roughly. I’ll put this in the postponed indefinitely category, and perhaps move on to another project. I think my academic writing has gotten better (as shown in my recent essays), but I still need to work on structure and clarity. I’ve been wanting to embark on a long writing project (thanks to those of you who encouraged me), but that’s still pretty far away. My brother being the English major is a huge shadow I have to either sidestep or move through. My first big project might be the “half fictional autobiography” (wow what a mess) of my grandfather. I have no idea, the only thing I’m moderately good at is spewing my own thoughts.

Weight Status
- fuck off, I’m trying to exercise and lose this winter weight