Because of people’s REAL need to see who I’m with, I shall be showcasing my one and only to everyone next october. I shall be visiting church, school, and possibly a friends place. If this doesn’t satisfy the denizens of people who want to know more, they can go die. Or perhaps I could post a picture somewhere on facebook and show it off. Mmmm… why are people so nosy.
Yes it’s true. I’m not a fighter. I’m a strategist. I’m a planner, a schemer, and a cunning bastard all in one. I just wanted to say that. I don’t know why.
That isn’t even the main topic of this post, even though I so boldly declared it to be (see above).
So anyways, what do I want to talk about?
Oh right, yes. As you may know (talking to myself again, by you, I mean me), I’m in a relationship right now. Regarding the post below, I am terrified. We haven’t really gotten that close since we started going out (well she seems to think so). I know many things about her (a great conversation topic for a girl is herself. you guys should write that down), but she barely knows anything about me. And me being the master deflector that I am, I can easily evade her questions. As the relationship went on, I continued to be in my own little hovel of a life. Anyways, near the end of August, I felt the strong desire to break it off. She was kind of dull and well, it didn’t seem fair to her for me to be in a relationship where I thought she wasn’t worth it. We did have some fun and talks, but there was never a strong sense of connection. Should I have been worried? Probably not. The relationship was still very young, and it turns out that I have surprisingly high standards. Not in the looks department because I’m in no position to judge something like that, but in the friendship/connection department. Anyways, I decided near the end to just let it drag on a little more till Univeristy started up again. She attends Laurier (her name is Laura too.. I didn’t even realize that until right now. omg all the jokes I could have made. CURSES), and I attend YorkU, so the distance is pretty big. I was hoping that eventually during our time apart we’d ‘drift’ apart and the relationship would end naturally and neutrally without anybody being the bad guy.
WELL WAS I WRONG. She came to visit me and we ‘connected’ more. Well I’m kind of starting to like her a bit more now, and things kind of look up. In my honest opinion, I probably shouldn’t have gone into the relationship in the first place. There isn’t much more to do now than try to make it work. She at least deserves the effort.
sigh…
fear of commitment. i’ve always heard of it, and i’ve never really thought it to be real. i thought it was something they made guys on t.v have to make them wishywashy over relationships to induce drama and hilarity. i honestly thought it wasn’t anything serious. i think i’m beginning to realize i might have a fear of commitment. it doesn’t just stop at relationships, but almost every facet of my life. oh sure you can say (by you i mean me) that it’s nothing and i’m just obsessing over nothing, but i do believe it to be true. not just because it makes for interesting conversation either (again, with myself). it’s funny to think that i’ve been kidding myself by saying “i don’t really think it’s for me (people,places,jobs,situations), and distancing myself and never giving 100%. I don’t think i’ve ever given 100% recently in anything in life. in my studies/career, relationships in people, and other things. i’ve just been telling myself that it’s not something i should be in, therefore i should be doing it half-assedly. even if it is something i’m not too interested or matched in, it should NOT give me the reason to be lazy about it.
most students in university know that what they’re studying is subject to change. that they aren’t sure that what they’re doing is the right path for them. but what smart people do is keep going regardless of this. they push forward at full speed knowing that everything could change. and if they are in the right place and things do not change, they’ve given it their all and have exceeded their own expectations. this is what i plan to do this year. psychology might not be right for me, but hell if i’m going to not try and be a dropout. my marks have been okay, but getting good grades isn’t all what university is about. i’ll have to take the extra step into joining clubs related to my field, and even getting internship positions. even if all they do is make me get coffee, i must do the shit jobs to really enjoy what might come in the future.
as for relationships.. i don’t know what i’m going to do here. as i reflect on myself, i see that i’ve pushed a large majority of friends (varying in closeness) away further. my best friends are now just friends, and my friends are now just aquaintances. and my aquaintances are now.. well nothing. however in the midst of all this chaos, i’ve managed to salvage and gain a few new friends. some of them are close to me now which is interesting. i hope i dont’ repeat the cycle of slowly pushing them out, but i can’t promise anything. i don’t have too much of an active plan about this because i don’t know what to do in the area of relationships. i tell myself that i need space, but end up feeling lonely. i’ve gotten used to getting rid of that feeling. it almost doesn’t exist anymore. i think pure solitude is a step closer to me now. is there anything wrong with that? society tells me yes. but my mind tells me no. is it healthy? the pang of lonliness is evidence towards it being wrong, right? or is it nothing more than an emotion created by society. sigh. at this rate i’ll have no friends and be all alone by the year 2010. maybe i should just try harder.
all this aside, it’s imporant to look at the root cause. looking at my childhood and youth i’ve seen why i’ve been afraid of commiting myself. to people places and things. a majority of things that were important to me have been forcefully taken away. many friends, a relationship, a career path, and a dream. it is so difficult right now to think of anything i’ve worked hard at these past few years. they either don’t exist, or just have been destroyed.
oh sure it’s easy to point the finger and say “you should have persevered.” but you cannot perservere when there is nothing to perservere for. if i had a second chance i would probably have taken it. but like in life, there aren’t usually second chances. there aren’t machines that can take you back to the past. it almost feels like i haven’t accomplished anything significant or evolved at all since those years.
the solution. commit to something that is infalliable. this is impossible. people places and things aren’t perfect. the real solution perhaps is commiting to God. from what i’ve heard, you cannot possibly lose or be abandoned. He isn’t going anywhere and His love ‘endures’. am i ready to do this? no. i am not, but i will look more into it when the time comes.it’s
been good chatting with you (likewise justin!)
I have a list of 28 secrets and methods you can use in your daily life. If anyone knows me, they know how devious I can be. Most people probably have done at least 10 in their lifetime, but haven’t had the time to write it down or really think about it. Luckily for you I’m here to share with you a HUGE secret. Several huge secrets. It ranges from tricks on MSN, using the power of suggestion, pre-emptive insults, pre-emptive avoidance techniques, wordplay, power control, and even orchestrating grand fiascos. I have used these techniques to make things go my way, and to have things done for me. There are so many ways to lie. There are so many ways to just.. take advantage of situations and people. Cruel? Perhaps, but I never do this to harm. I do it to progress :). The best thing about it is that people BELIEVE they’re doing it out of their own will. They BELIEVE they have caught you in a lie, even though you wanted them to. They BELIEVE what you say. If that isn’t hilarious, I don’t know what is. (nothing is more satisfying than someone saying “Yeah I saw right through you.” LOL! )
So! here we go.
Method #1
Hahaha, like I’d ever give up my trade secrets. If people knew, then my methods would be useless. Kind of like magic. I’m magical.
Anyways, the main topic of this post isn’t deception, but my summer. It’s way past half already and here is my report.
Lost 3 close friends.
Gained 1 close friend.
Had 2 jobs.
Quit 2 jobs.
Had 3 over the top wild nights that I’ll never forget.
Had 3 weeks of pure boredom and tedious grinding.
Wrote a short story.
It sucked. It was about a man and his dog. His dog died. And then he died.
Punched someone in the face.
Got kicked in the neck.
Read 5 books.
Played 4 new games.
Was in a relationship.
Now in a relationship.
Still hate a majority of girls.
Still hate people.
Still a loner at heart.
Preparing myself for school.
Interesting summer indeed. 5/10
Also, if the cure for not being lonely is people, why do I still feel alone around people. And more importantly, when someone says they felt like they’ve ‘connected’ with you, isn’t that supposed to be mutual?
I would like to talk about love. I would like to discuss what it is and what I’ve experienced. I really do. However, due to my inability to express what the fuck I’m trying to get out, I’ll pass and move on to another topic I’m really familiar with.
My friend was dumped after seeing a girl for 4 months. He really liked her, and the relationship was going fine. Turned out she decided a relationship wasn’t for her. She didn’t communicate it, but made my friend wait and just plain ended it. For me this week, I lost grip on another close friend. She thinks she didn’t do anything wrong. She can barely remember so I cannot blame her. It’s hard to tell someone that they’ve hurt you when they can’t remember it. When she was drunk, she hurt me in a way I’ve never felt before. I’ve been physically and mentally abused before, but this was new for me. The pain of losing a friend, or even having a friend angry at you could not even compare to this. She unknowingly said a few words that completely devastated me. It cut through me like a knife. If anyone knows me, they know my heart is pretty much made of steel. I’ve been torched enough to have a thick layer of brick around my self. No one gets close, and usually no one remains close. But for a moment, through all the layers I almost felt something different. A kinship perhaps. Mutual understanding. No one has had that with me ever. And then with a swift blow, it all came crumbling down.
As I was talking to my friend about his loss, I said something surprisingly insightful. I said to him, make sure when you get through this, because I know you will, that you become stronger. It will hurt now, and it might take a while to forget. Just know after all of this, you can become stronger. Not harder. Stronger. I realized that with all my fucked up relationships and problems, I hadn’t gotten much stronger. No, I had gotten harder. Instead of gaining strength and really learn from what had happened to me, I just became stiffer and harder. Instead of having a strong heart, I have a hardened heart. I hope my friend understands that when you get through something tough emotionally, you must become stronger. Don’t let this learning experience go to waste. Build the emotional muscles up. I know a few people who are emotionally weak. You probably do too. No matter what kind of physical or mental front they put up, they will leak emotionally. I won’t get into detail but, as I’ve stated before; Mental and Emotional strength is just as important as physical strength, if not even more in this day and age.
So if you actually ever get something out of this post, remember this.
You have a choice to become stronger.
If you’ve known me in the past couple of years, you probably already know how important friendship was to me. I worked hard and created incredible friendships that I thought would last for years. It’s hard to believe that two of them have completely been shattered. I’m not sure how, but it seemed that we’ve drifted apart. It pains me to believe that something we called ‘best friends’ has turned into nothing more than old aquaintences. It was so easily broken apart that I’m starting to wonder if it ever was a strong friendship from the start. Was I not there for you during the tough times? I want to say that I’ve given 100% after our university split, but we both know that’s not true. But at least I tried. Yesterday was the last time.
It’s so hard to describe the feeling of loss here. It’s like losing a part of your past. Sigh, this is another step towards to being a crazy old cat man living alone drinking slushies. I must look on ahead and just make new friends I guess. If there ever is a day where you two come back and want to be friends, it just might be too late. And that makes me sad.
Summer = Fun
That’s all there is to say about it.
Other than that, I’ve just realized that I shouldn’t stress over people’s uhh… psychological problems (to put it lightly). Even though it affects the relationships around them and my comfort level, there isn’t much I can do. Through experience (most recently) it seems that even if you told a friend in the nicest way something that they’re doing wrong, 90% of the time will result in a bad reaction. I don’t mean “oh you’re doing that wrong”, but “You’re life/ attitude/ perception/ reliability/ thoughts are completely wrong/ misguided/ hindering/ unncessary/ selfish and so on.” Firstly you might think, well how can you be the judge of that? Well I can because what I can’t misinterpret what I see. I’m not overexaggerating or anything. I could just easily list and identify these people and problems, and I’m sure if you knew them you would agree. And most likely if they ever read this, they would go fucking berzerk. Most of the time, these mental blockages are mostly superficial and not really that bad. We all have them. But have you ever met someone with such extreme… problems that it would just seem right to tell them about it? I mean, telling them would help them right?
NO.
You should not. For the greater good (your friendship) unveiling this will do little. People aren’t generally perceptive enough to understand that you’re trying to help them. They come to you with a plethora of excuses and reasons for their behaviour, and you know it’s all bullshit. In my life I’ve always had my brother to cut me down when I was doing something stupid. Very harsh and life scarring, but it worked. I still do stupid shit but, like me and many of my friends, when it comes down to serious situations that require delicate attention, we can pull through easily without breaking a mental sweat.
Before I get to stressed about this, just remember it’s easier to let it go. People rarely change, and when they do, it will be on their own merit. I’ve tried too hard and too long trying to.. ease people into the enlightenment of REAL human thought. Most have been for naught, and it has such a waste of time. I’m just going to have to endure/ignore/accept these people till they really learn what it means to be mentally healthy. As I said before, strengthening yourself mentally is just as important and strenghtening yourself physically. Hell it’s even more so important to strengthen yourself mentally in this world we live in right now. (North American lower/middle/upper class people).
And remember folks, alcohol is the great revealer. It cuts down their facades, and raises truths. Most people will agree with me that when someone gets drunk, when they’re a few drinks from getting smashed and passing out, some truths will be revealed. This and getting them tired. I’m someone who stays up extremely late at night. When I interact with some people at nighttime, their personality is sometimes completely different. There are those who are just tired and grumpy which is normal, but there are those who let their guards down and show me their real thoughts. Some of them get more friendly and outgoing because they aren’t as insecure since they aren’t at full defensive capacity (just like when they are drunk). Some of them get more aggressive, angry, and have a superiority complex and complain all the time (just like when they are drunk).
I haven’t been able to write much lately because of my schedule that’s getting a little more intense, but I don’t think it matters anyways. I think offically 0 people read this now, which is kind of refreshing because I can write a little more personally. I wish I could change the URL and prevent people from seeing but sometimes it’s good to get things out in the open, even if inadvertedly.
Anyhow with university coming to a halt for this year, I’ve been asking myself the same question 90% of university students ask themselves. What the hell am I going to do after I graduate? More importantly what kind of career do I want to get into?
I still don’t know 100% as most people so I’ve decided to do a little exercise that I cooked up. I basically list my interests and strengths as fast as possible without thinking and see where it leads me. Here I go!
I like to multi-task alot. Single projects bore me and doing the same thing over and over would probably kill me. I’d like to work on alot of projects, and ofcourse these projects must have deadlines. Under pressure I work alot harder, however I never do things as ordered.
Most of the time I like to cut corners, but I’ve been known to think outside (sometimes too much outside) the box for coming up with solutions.
I’m not good at working with new people, but have a fantastic ability to work with people I eventually get to know. I’m good at understanding group dynamics and being able to talk to someone one on one. When I really try to understand someone I can do it easily as putting myself in their shoes. Eventually by learning strengths and weaknesses of a person I can develop a good strategy to complete the task at hand easily. Although I may not be the most skilled person in the group (I rarely am) I can usually rally them together.
It has to be new and quite cutting edge. I like to speed at everything I do. When I’m really trying I rarely take the slow approach. I can be methodical and good at completeing small objectives to reach a higher standard, but I really love speeding through and watching the progress fly. Perhaps this isn’t so good when you’re needed to do something that requires a strong structure.
I am very adapative and love to change on the fly. Relating to above, I like working on multiple projects and the switch from task to task is refreshing.
In terms of organization I am quite chaotic, but I find lately that in my chaos there is actual order. Order I can only understand as everyone else who looks in sees nothing but a cluster of nonesense.
When it comes to making decisions I can be very logical. This is a farily new ability I’ve developed (maybe only a year or more). Although the common people in my life cannot see it, through the fog and mask of emptiness that is my head, when I try you can see the logical processes that take place. Although (see logic trains), sometimes they can be wayward, they usually reach the end goal more or less.
I suppose a problem people will have with this is that they cannot accept the adaptive and changing nature that is me. Once people get a clear picture of who I am, and I start to change, it is disturbing and really doesn’t let them see who I really am. People like to label and put meanings on things so it would be difficult to do so to me. So in that sense, I usually show people one side of me. (on a side note, to my trusted friends I usually show 2-4).
I love to create things and make things from scratch. My concepts almost never reach full maturity and completion, but when it does it’s usually something I’m very proud of. The visions and things I see in my head are probably the greatest tool I have in that empty head of mine. I believe that if these visions and concepts were ever to reach light and be understood and created, I could probably successful in whatever job required that. However due to my lazy and lackluster focus I find this hard to do. It’s near impossible to show what my end goal is, so I’ll use my rallying abilities to make people do what I say in the sense that they are important and at the end they’ll finally see it. I suppose that’s why I like working on multiple projects.
Phew, that’s pretty much it. Although it may seem right now like an advertisement to how great I am, it isn’t much. If you really think about it, anything that isn’t there is a weakness. I’m terrible at many things, but focusing on what I’m actually confident and good at will be great in deciding what I want to do in the future. As I look through these things… I have yet to come to a conclusion of what I want to do. Psychology seems to only encompass 2-3 of these things. Anyhow, I’ve gotta go study for my exams so I’ll see you (which is myself) till then.
Hey, it’s been a while hasn’t it..
I’m sorry for the delay, I guess it’s been a while since I’ve written to you. You know, I’ve been thinking of you recently as it’s been nearing our anniversary. How are you doing? I hope you’re doing well. It’s funny how I still miss you to this day, and how much I still remember. I thought the passing of time would have helped, but it hasn’t one bit. Oh for sure I forget a little more, but other than that every time I do remember, it’s just as hard to deal with. Not that dealing with you is a hassle!! My family life is a little better, and so is my academic life. I do struggle here and there but things in university are doing quite well. I forget where you said you wanted to go too.. it’s been too long. It was UBC right? Some geography major where you’d study boring old rocks all day. So it turns out I’m going to summer school this year… I’m in 2nd year now. Psychology if you have forgotten! I hope you haven’t. I haven’t forgotten our promise as well. I visit that old tree every day when I come home from school. Anyways! Having a hard time wondering what to say here.. Do you remember the time we both happened to skip on the same day? It was really fun meeting with you and just laughing about nothing. We were so similar. That’s probably why we had our little fights all the time. We were both a little too hotheaded and quick to judge. It kind of makes me sad to think of what would have happened if you stayed. Haha, look at me, always talking about what could have been again. I did that too much in the last letter. And I’m really sorry for not writing to you sooner like I said I would. My life’s been a little hectic. Life’s funny that way.. we make all these plans for ourselves and we end up going somewhere else entirely.
I’m really missing having a cat as company. I wonder if you’re allowed to have pets where you are. Well, as you know my second cat had to be given away. I’ve been so lonely without it. I really want to get another one but the same problem keeps presenting itself. My parents are always talking about moving or renting a factory but it never seems to materialize.
Oh, my love life still stinks I’ll have you know. I haven’t wooed any girl just yet. I’m terrible with relationships and I think you were the only one I was ever comfortable with. You accepted me, from bottom up and from side to side. Sigh, these days whenever I get close to someone I just push them away. It’s been so hard for me to accept someone. To truly be able to give in. Sometimes I feel like I can’t live my life without your help. I know it’s been so long but, every time I see someone, I see you. I always seem to get reminded of you somehow. I remember the first time we talked on the phone.. we talked for hours. I can only say that I’ve done that with another friend, but it wasn’t as cool. I think we already talked about her before, and thanks again for listening.
With everything that’s happened and the last time.. we met, it still feels fresh to me. I keep getting controlled by the past. It’s like I can’t take a step forward you know? My friends and everyone I know have flown through their lives, achieving their goals with ease. I feel like I’m still that kid who you used to talk to at night. I haven’t changed much but I really want to do something more. You know I’ll always love you, but lately the dream of living alone with just you on my mind so we can meet someday seems more and more distant. Being alone has become easier and I think of it as a skill now. But everyone says it’s unhealthy and very anti-social. Screw them eh? Haha, well I know you’d want me to live free and just have some fun. “Don’t you dare use me as an excuse” I’d bet you’d say. So I think I’m going to try to forget a little more often. I still like you tho okay? It’s just a little tough being reminded of what I’ve lost. Haha, I’m being stupid again. I’m not going to let myself cry over you anymore, not after all this. I can’t wait to see you when I reach the end. I’ll write again soon.
Rest in peace my friend.
