sWiRvE

August was something like this.

I have a list of 28 secrets and methods you can use in your daily life. If anyone knows me, they know how devious I can be. Most people probably have done at least 10 in their lifetime, but haven’t had the time to write it down or really think about it. Luckily for you I’m here to share with you a HUGE secret. Several huge secrets. It ranges from tricks on MSN, using the power of suggestion, pre-emptive insults, pre-emptive avoidance techniques, wordplay, power control, and even orchestrating grand fiascos. I have used these techniques to make things go my way, and to have things done for me. There are so many ways to lie. There are so many ways to just.. take advantage of situations and people. Cruel? Perhaps, but I never do this to harm. I do it to progress :). The best thing about it is that people BELIEVE they’re doing it out of their own will. They BELIEVE they have caught you in a lie, even though you wanted them to. They BELIEVE what you say. If that isn’t hilarious, I don’t know what is. (nothing is more satisfying than someone saying “Yeah I saw right through you.” LOL! )

So! here we go.

Method #1
Hahaha, like I’d ever give up my trade secrets. If people knew, then my methods would be useless. Kind of like magic. I’m magical.

Anyways, the main topic of this post isn’t deception, but my summer. It’s way past half already and here is my report.

Lost 3 close friends.
Gained 1 close friend.
Had 2 jobs.
Quit 2 jobs.
Had 3 over the top wild nights that I’ll never forget.
Had 3 weeks of pure boredom and tedious grinding.
Wrote a short story.
It sucked. It was about a man and his dog. His dog died. And then he died.
Punched someone in the face.
Got kicked in the neck.
Read 5 books.
Played 4 new games.
Was in a relationship.
Now in a relationship.
Still hate a majority of girls.
Still hate people.
Still a loner at heart.
Preparing myself for school.

Interesting summer indeed. 5/10

Also, if the cure for not being lonely is people, why do I still feel alone around people. And more importantly, when someone says they felt like they’ve ‘connected’ with you, isn’t that supposed to be mutual?

I would like to talk about love. I would like to discuss what it is and what I’ve experienced. I really do. However, due to my inability to express what the fuck I’m trying to get out, I’ll pass and move on to another topic I’m really familiar with.

My friend was dumped after seeing a girl for 4 months. He really liked her, and the relationship was going fine. Turned out she decided a relationship wasn’t for her. She didn’t communicate it, but made my friend wait and just plain ended it. For me this week, I lost grip on another close friend. She thinks she didn’t do anything wrong. She can barely remember so I cannot blame her. It’s hard to tell someone that they’ve hurt you when they can’t remember it. When she was drunk, she hurt me in a way I’ve never felt before. I’ve been physically and mentally abused before, but this was new for me. The pain of losing a friend, or even having a friend angry at you could not even compare to this. She unknowingly said a few words that completely devastated me. It cut through me like a knife. If anyone knows me, they know my heart is pretty much made of steel. I’ve been torched enough to have a thick layer of brick around my self. No one gets close, and usually no one remains close. But for a moment, through all the layers I almost felt something different. A kinship perhaps. Mutual understanding. No one has had that with me ever. And then with a swift blow, it all came crumbling down.

 As I was talking to my friend about his loss, I said something surprisingly insightful. I said to him, make sure when you get through this, because I know you will, that you become stronger. It will hurt now, and it might take a while to forget. Just know after all of this, you can become stronger. Not harder. Stronger. I realized that with all my fucked up relationships and problems, I hadn’t gotten much stronger. No, I had gotten harder. Instead of gaining strength and really learn from what had happened to me, I just became stiffer and harder. Instead of having a strong heart, I have a hardened heart. I hope my friend understands that when you get through something tough emotionally, you must become stronger. Don’t let this learning experience go to waste. Build the emotional muscles up. I know a few people who are emotionally weak. You probably do too. No matter what kind of physical or mental front they put up, they will leak emotionally. I won’t get into detail but, as I’ve stated before; Mental and Emotional strength is just as important as physical strength, if not even more in this day and age.

 So if you actually ever get something out of this post, remember this.

 You have a choice to become stronger.

If you’ve known me in the past couple of years, you probably already know how important friendship was to me. I worked hard and created incredible friendships that I thought would last for years. It’s hard to believe that two of them have completely been shattered. I’m not sure how, but it seemed that we’ve drifted apart. It pains me to believe that something we called ‘best friends’ has turned into nothing more than old aquaintences. It was so easily broken apart that I’m starting to wonder if it ever was a strong friendship from the start. Was I not there for you during the tough times? I want to say that I’ve given 100% after our university split, but we both know that’s not true. But at least I tried. Yesterday was the last time.

It’s so hard to describe the feeling of loss here. It’s like losing a part of your past. Sigh, this is another step towards to being a crazy old cat man living alone drinking slushies. I must look on ahead and just make new friends I guess. If there ever is a day where you two come back and want to be friends, it just might be too late. And that makes me sad.

Summer = Fun
That’s all there is to say about it.

Other than that, I’ve just realized that I shouldn’t stress over people’s uhh… psychological problems (to put it lightly). Even though it affects the relationships around them and my comfort level, there isn’t much I can do. Through experience (most recently) it seems that even if you told a friend in the nicest way something that they’re doing wrong, 90% of the time will result in a bad reaction. I don’t mean “oh you’re doing that wrong”, but “You’re life/ attitude/ perception/ reliability/ thoughts are completely wrong/ misguided/ hindering/ unncessary/ selfish and so on.” Firstly you might think, well how can you be the judge of that? Well I can because what I can’t misinterpret what I see. I’m not overexaggerating or anything. I could just easily list and identify these people and problems, and I’m sure if you knew them you would agree. And most likely if they ever read this, they would go fucking berzerk. Most of the time, these mental blockages are mostly superficial and not really that bad. We all have them. But have you ever met someone with such extreme… problems that it would just seem right to tell them about it? I mean, telling them would help them right?
NO.
You should not. For the greater good (your friendship) unveiling this will do little. People aren’t generally perceptive enough to understand that you’re trying to help them. They come to you with a plethora of excuses and reasons for their behaviour, and you know it’s all bullshit. In my life I’ve always had my brother to cut me down when I was doing something stupid. Very harsh and life scarring, but it worked. I still do stupid shit but, like me and many of my friends, when it comes down to serious situations that require delicate attention, we can pull through easily without breaking a mental sweat.

Before I get to stressed about this, just remember it’s easier to let it go. People rarely change, and when they do, it will be on their own merit. I’ve tried too hard and too long trying to.. ease people into the enlightenment of REAL human thought. Most have been for naught, and it has such a waste of time. I’m just going to have to endure/ignore/accept these people till they really learn what it means to be mentally healthy. As I said before, strengthening yourself mentally is just as important and strenghtening yourself physically. Hell it’s even more so important to strengthen yourself mentally in this world we live in right now. (North American lower/middle/upper class people).

And remember folks, alcohol is the great revealer. It cuts down their facades, and raises truths. Most people will agree with me that when someone gets drunk, when they’re a few drinks from getting smashed and passing out, some truths will be revealed. This and getting them tired. I’m someone who stays up extremely late at night. When I interact with some people at nighttime, their personality is sometimes completely different. There are those who are just tired and grumpy which is normal, but there are those who let their guards down and show me their real thoughts. Some of them get more friendly and outgoing because they aren’t as insecure since they aren’t at full defensive capacity (just like when they are drunk). Some of them get more aggressive, angry, and have a superiority complex and complain all the time (just like when they are drunk).

I haven’t been able to write much lately because of my schedule that’s getting a little more intense, but I don’t think it matters anyways. I think offically 0 people read this now, which is kind of refreshing because I can write a little more personally. I wish I could change the URL and prevent people from seeing but sometimes it’s good to get things out in the open, even if inadvertedly.

Anyhow with university coming to a halt for this year, I’ve been asking myself the same question 90% of university students ask themselves. What the hell am I going to do after I graduate? More importantly what kind of career do I want to get into?

I still don’t know 100% as most people so I’ve decided to do a little exercise that I cooked up. I basically list my interests and strengths as fast as possible without thinking and see where it leads me. Here I go!

I like to multi-task alot. Single projects bore me and doing the same thing over and over would probably kill me. I’d like to work on alot of projects, and ofcourse these projects must have deadlines. Under pressure I work alot harder, however I never do things as ordered.

Most of the time I like to cut corners, but I’ve been known to think outside (sometimes too much outside) the box for coming up with solutions.

I’m not good at working with new people, but have a fantastic ability to work with people I eventually get to know. I’m good at understanding group dynamics and being able to talk to someone one on one. When I really try to understand someone I can do it easily as putting myself in their shoes. Eventually by learning strengths and weaknesses of a person I can develop a good strategy to complete the task at hand easily. Although I may not be the most skilled person in the group (I rarely am) I can usually rally them together.

It has to be new and quite cutting edge. I like to speed at everything I do. When I’m really trying I rarely take the slow approach. I can be methodical and good at completeing small objectives to reach a higher standard, but I really love speeding through and watching the progress fly. Perhaps this isn’t so good when you’re needed to do something that requires a strong structure.

I am very adapative and love to change on the fly. Relating to above, I like working on multiple projects and the switch from task to task is refreshing.

In terms of organization I am quite chaotic, but I find lately that in my chaos there is actual order. Order I can only understand as everyone else who looks in sees nothing but a cluster of nonesense.

When it comes to making decisions I can be very logical. This is a farily new ability I’ve developed (maybe only a year or more). Although the common people in my life cannot see it, through the fog and mask of emptiness that is my head, when I try you can see the logical processes that take place. Although (see logic trains), sometimes they can be wayward, they usually reach the end goal more or less.

 I suppose a problem people will have with this is that they cannot accept the adaptive and changing nature that is me. Once people get a clear picture of who I am, and I start to change, it is disturbing and really doesn’t let them see who I really am. People like to label and put meanings on things so it would be difficult to do so to me. So in that sense, I usually show people one side of me. (on a side note, to my trusted friends I usually show 2-4).

I love to create things and make things from scratch. My concepts almost never reach full maturity and completion, but when it does it’s usually something I’m very proud of. The visions and things I see in my head are probably the greatest tool I have in that empty head of mine. I believe that if these visions and concepts were ever to reach light and be understood and created, I could probably successful in whatever job required that. However due to my lazy and lackluster focus I find this hard to do. It’s near impossible to show what my end goal is, so I’ll use my rallying abilities to make people do what I say in the sense that they are important and at the end they’ll finally see it. I suppose that’s why I like working on multiple projects.

Phew, that’s pretty much it. Although it may seem right now like an advertisement to how great I am, it isn’t much. If you really think about it, anything that isn’t there is a weakness. I’m terrible at many things, but focusing on what I’m actually confident and good at will be great in deciding what I want to do in the future. As I look through these things… I have yet to come to a conclusion of what I want to do. Psychology seems to only encompass 2-3 of these things. Anyhow, I’ve gotta go study for my exams so I’ll see you (which is myself) till then.

Hey, it’s been a while hasn’t it.. 

I’m sorry for the delay, I guess it’s been a while since I’ve written to you. You know, I’ve been thinking of you recently as it’s been nearing our anniversary. How are you doing? I hope you’re doing well. It’s funny how I still miss you to this day, and how much I still remember. I thought the passing of time would have helped, but it hasn’t one bit. Oh for sure I forget a little more, but other than that every time I do remember, it’s just as hard to deal with. Not that dealing with you is a hassle!! My family life is a little better, and so is my academic life. I do struggle here and there but things in university are doing quite well. I forget where you said you wanted to go too.. it’s been too long. It was UBC right? Some geography major where you’d study boring old rocks all day. So it turns out I’m going to summer school this year… I’m in 2nd year now. Psychology if you have forgotten! I hope you haven’t. I haven’t forgotten our promise as well. I visit that old tree every day when I come home from school. Anyways! Having a hard time wondering what to say here.. Do you remember the time we both happened to skip on the same day? It was really fun meeting with you and just laughing about nothing. We were so similar. That’s probably why we had our little fights all the time. We were both a little too hotheaded and quick to judge. It kind of makes me sad to think of what would have happened if you stayed. Haha, look at me, always talking about what could have been again. I did that too much in the last letter. And I’m really sorry for not writing to you sooner like I said I would. My life’s been a little hectic. Life’s funny that way.. we make all these plans for ourselves and we end up going somewhere else entirely. 

I’m really missing having a cat as company. I wonder if you’re allowed to have pets where you are. Well, as you know my second cat had to be given away. I’ve been so lonely without it. I really want to get another one but the same problem keeps presenting itself. My parents are always talking about moving or renting a factory but it never seems to materialize.

Oh, my love life still stinks I’ll have you know. I haven’t wooed any girl just yet. I’m terrible with relationships and I think you were the only one I was ever comfortable with. You accepted me, from bottom up and from side to side. Sigh, these days whenever I get close to someone I just push them away. It’s been so hard for me to accept someone. To truly be able to give in. Sometimes I feel like I can’t live my life without your help. I know it’s been so long but, every time I see someone, I see you. I always seem to get reminded of you somehow. I remember the first time we talked on the phone.. we talked for hours. I can only say that I’ve done that with another friend, but it wasn’t as cool. I think we already talked about her before, and thanks again for listening. 

With everything that’s happened and the last time.. we met, it still feels fresh to me. I keep getting controlled by the past. It’s like I can’t take a step forward you know? My friends and everyone I know have flown through their lives, achieving their goals with ease. I feel like I’m still that kid who you used to talk to at night. I haven’t changed much but I really want to do something more. You know I’ll always love you, but lately the dream of living alone with just you on my mind so we can meet someday seems more and more distant. Being alone has become easier and I think of it as a skill now. But everyone says it’s unhealthy and very anti-social. Screw them eh? Haha, well I know you’d want me to live free and just have some fun. “Don’t you dare use me as an excuse” I’d bet you’d say. So I think I’m going to try to forget a little more often. I still like you tho okay? It’s just a little tough being reminded of what I’ve lost. Haha, I’m being stupid again. I’m not going to let myself cry over you anymore, not after all this. I can’t wait to see you when I reach the end. I’ll write again soon.

Rest in peace my friend.

People always ask me “Justin, oh Great One, how do you connect with everyone?”, and I always answer “Little servant, it is nothing more than listening.”

The best way to turn people off is not listening, and that helps out alot if you want to be left alone. (Unless they’re persistant buggers, then you resort to other methods.) So in a convenient fashion I’ll list out 5 things you’ll need to remember if you want to maintain and upkeep all sorts of relationships.

1. Listening means not speaking. Sometimes it’s just better to not say anything. Nothing is worse than giving uncessary advice when the person who is talking just wants to be heard. Most people come to confide in people when they hope to not be judged. If you give advice that means you’re judging the person and the situation and coming up with a solution of you’re own. Ofcourse if they say “I need your advice” and say something then you can spring in and give advice. I’ve spoken 4 words to someone in a conversation and at the end of a 1 hour talk they told me “Thanks for listening and understanding.”

2. Relating with the person is probably easier said than done. Sometimes they talk about situations and things you could not really relate with and find it difficult to continue the conversation. The best you can do if you cannot relate at all is repeat the same key words they emphasized and try your hardest to understand. If they say it’s tough, agree and say it’s tough. Don’t disagree and go off on another tangent. As hard as it may be (even if they are totally wrong) you should just listen for the moment. Most of the time people are smart enough to realize their mistakes and blunders and will often come back for a second talk. If you successfully relate to someone, then you’re on a good path towards establishing a strong friendship. A mutual understanding goes a long way.

3. Set aside time to talk it out. Nothing is worse when you’re in the middle of some deep conversation and have someone interrupt or the listener leave. If you commit and tell the person you’ll stay as long as it takes, then they’ll know you care. Always be alert to respond and reply (if online). No one likes believing that you’re not paying attention or just not caring. And leaving halfway through listening is just a slap in the face. Most likely they won’t return to you.

4. As a listener it is also a duty to be one to speak. In most girl/guy relationships the guy does the listening while the girl does all the talking. Sometimes it’s beneficial to talk back and make the girl listen. It makes her feel that you trust her more and are willing to share just as much as she does. It’s probably tougher since we have macho complexes, but it’s really worthwhile to do. Once a girl realizes that all you do is listen and never talk, as nice as it is, she’ll find it boring and one sided.

5. Always keep your ears peeled for topics that might need attention. No one really these days say “I really have to talk to you”, or “I really need someone to listen to me.” More often than not they’ll give out little tips and clues to topics that need paying attention too. They can be subtle and will mostly be recognizable in random topic changes or breaks in speech. If you are alert and pick these out, my man, you’re doing good.

Following these 5 not so simple steps will result in stronger friendships and deeper relationships. Dont’ you hate it when couples complain about the other not listening?

If there is one thing I don’t share with people, it is my relationships and uh.. encounters. Apart from the funny ones that I use to ease into conversations, not many people know who and what I do outside of what I tell them. I suppose I like to keep my friends and my relationships seperate as they invoke different characteristics in me that I wouldn’t be too pleased to show.

So I’ve come to a point in my whatthehellimturningtwentysoon life that I’ll be flying solo from here on out. Till when is probably not that certain but in all seriousness I think no matter what I’d prefer to be alone. I’m not ready to ’share’ my life or anything like that and I have too many private things I wouldn’t be able to give up. I might go after the occasional crush or fling but I won’t be ready for a commited serious relationship anytime soon. So if you know me and somehow get to know my next in line, DO NOT LINK HER THIS SITE T_T, as any girl will get upset as soon as she finds out that the guy is not willing to commit. Perhaps this is bad in it’s own sense because if I’m not looking for anything long term then what am I looking for? A good time yes, but not like… A ‘Good’ *wink wink* time. The presence of girls always keep me intrigued and interested. Aside from flashly colors, nothing really keeps my attention at full focus. It’s just really really fun to talk and interact with females because they’re just hilariously different.

Anyways 90% of you won’t understand what the hell I just said because I’m being an ambigious asshole ;).

And why do people find it weird when I say I’d rather spend time by myself than with them.

Sucks.